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Advice For 30s Relationships
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
* Rob is not a professional counselor,
just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored.
He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll
have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
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Dear Rob,
Can you tell me what is going on here -- please???
I was very casual
friends with this guy for a few years then last year I saw him
out and something clicked.
I started
emailing him and for two months straight we emailed each other
every day - all the time. Then the emails sort of switched to
text messages (tm) because it worked better w/his work
situation. I called him a few times but our conversations were
mainly electronic. Then we went out one night and I put the
moves on him (kissed him) and he was really happy about that and
we went out soon after that and things were really great - but
we still continued w/the tm.
Then his strange
behavior started creeping in. I'd say something that he didn't
like when we were out (it could be something so stupid) and he'd
ignore me for a week - I wouldn't know if I were ever going to
even talk to him again until he got in touch with me again.
One time he blew
me off and supposedly his cell phone wasn't working and he hurt
his back so he couldn't get up from the couch to call me from a
pay phone -- so I, for a moment, got mad at him for being so
insensitive and not calling me to cancel -- but he has a way of
turning situations around and in the end he ended up mad at me
about the entire situation. It's like we'd have a good week of
tm's and I felt like we were getting somewhere and then
something like this would happen and we'd be back at square one.
I kept telling
him that we had to stop tm., that we had to talk on the phone
and have real conversations. he agreed - but all he did was tm.
tm. tm. I tried to tell him about my feelings & tried to ask him
about our *relationship*, granted I did this via email b/c it
was too much to tm & I didn't know if I would say that stuff if
I were out with him - and he called my emails 'ridiculous'.
He said I created
too much drama and sometimes I believed him, although in the
back of my mind I got the feeling that he was the drama queen in
the *relationship*.
This dragged on
for almost a year. We would see each other occasionally,
depending on how things were going - but never more than a few
times a month. I broke things off with him a few times b/c of
how he was acting - but he always pleaded his case and I kept up
this pitiful thing or a relationship. So I hadn't seen or tm him
in a month but stupid me tm him last week and we went out last
night.
I called to find
out what time he was going to pick me up - he was telling me his
workout schedule for the evening, etc. so I was being sarcastic
(his favorite word since he claims to be mr. sarcasm) and saying
stuff about his schedule. So all of a sudden he says "Well, if
this doesn't work for you maybe we can do it another time that
will", and I said ok and he said ok and I said bye and he said
bye and hung up the phone.
I waited awhile
and was fuming so I tm and said something along the lines that
he can dish out the sarcasm but can't take it. He replies with:
"What? I don't know. I thought I was going to take you out &
cool down your hot body. or something" stupid like that (I've
never slept with the guy - he's gotten mad at me in the past b/c
sometimes he'll take forever to go to bed and when we finally
get to bed it's like 3am and I fall asleep - so then he's mad
b/c I don't make-out with him -- ok, 1. he shouldn't have been
up so late when I was over 2. He's there as much as I am, why is
he blaming me? He could have kissed me!) so fine, we end up
going out.
For some reason
he has decided to put me down the entire night. He's never met
my friends (I once met a few of his friends b/c he needed a last
minute date to a Christmas party) so he claims that I have no
friends and the friends that I do talk about are ones that I
have made-up. He's made comments like this before and I told him
that I don't like it and he stopped for awhile but he's back at
it.
I'm 35, he's 32.
A lot of my friends are married w/kids, they don't go partying
every weekend. I'll admit - I don't have a lot of friends to go
out with but I do have friends. He just so happens to be a
fireman and all his single friends and his fellow firemen
buddies, so of course he has other guys to go out with.
He was also
commenting on how I didn't know how to hold a conversation. This
was a new one to me. My friends (yes, friends!) find me quite
amusing - so I don't know where he gets the idea that I can't
hold a conversation and he doesn't like the topics that I talk
about. I've been on this earth long enough. I should have more
things to talk about other than my sister, my nieces & nephew,
my dogs, etc. this really hurt because then I was seriously
questioning my conversation topics.
Then he was
calling my hair color dark brown, when it's not, it's blonde --
he was just saying a lot of those little things that he knows
gets my goat.
So what the hell
is up with this guy??? I mean, if he hates me so much and thinks
I'm such a loser than why is he wasting his time with me?
Bigger question
is why am I wasting my time with him? But honestly, I really do
like him. when I'm not talking to him I can't stop thinking
about him. But why does he have to be so not nice? I'm not like
that towards him, although last night I did tell him that he was
going bald, just because he was pissing me off so much.
Honestly, all I want to do is love him and make him feel good,
so I don't understand why he wants to knock me down.
Irene
Hi Irene,
The “man” you’re trying to date and move into a more serious
relationship is a “semi-adult” preferring his own ways and own
way of doing things. He’s a teenager in a man’s body.
You won’t be able
to change him without changing yourself but I really see no hope
for the relationship as it is.
You both want
different things right now.
He wants a “party
girl” to counter his time with his single male party friends and
you want a lover that will honor and respect not just yourself
but the things in your life that you hold dear, friends, pets,
job, family.
He puts you down
to avoid any intimacy issues. Maybe he had an over-protective
mother, older sister that relied on him for advice, something
that now makes him keep his distance from you despite his love
for you.
And you are countering through sarcasm, riling him into being a
man of action, which just isn’t in his nature.
Face it, your in different places.
If you do want your relationship to be able to continue you’ll
both need counseling, or at the very least in some-depth talks
about where you are now, individually, and where you want to be
in 1 year, together? Single? Engaged?
And how you came
to be where you are with the relationship perspectives you both
have.
Do you honestly see yourself in the same relationship under the
same circumstances in a year, 5 years?
No, of course not.
This will take work to salvage, or it’s time to end the on again
off again relationship and take some time to yourself to
understand why you revert to sarcasm to hide your true feelings.
And why you pick powerful men in your life that can’t be
romantic and fulfilling in a relationship.
You've travelled
this road once too often. You need stability, not a "Johnny com
lately" type of guy, like the guy you described.
You deserve
better, you just have to find out a way to tell yourself this
and actually believe it. Break the "jerk" cycle and find the
true rewards of a happy relationship.
Best wishes,
Rob.
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