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Is My Boyfriend An Abuser?
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
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Dear Rob,
I am 20 and I am dating a 30 yr old male.
He is very sweet
most of the time, but he gets angry about really little things.
He has always lived on his own and I just moved in with him so I
understand he is going to be a little aggravated.
The degree of
which he gets angry and foul towards me is a problem though.
He is very
particular about his house. Everything has to be a certain way.
Yesterday though I had a handful of chips in my hand and he said
"no, do not go in the bedroom!" (which was fine and
understandable).
But then it
progresses into comments like "I don't know about you sometimes,
you're like a 12 year old." I told him to calm down. And then he
goes off saying f-you, you don't understand.
After his
comments I end up in tears. His favorite thing to do is
apologize a thousand times and then say things like "I question
every other day about this. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. I
don't make you happy." But then tells me I make him happy but he
doesn't make me happy."
I try and explain
to him it is not saying little things like don't bring food in
the bedroom, it is the comments he makes afterwards. Like I
don't know about you sometimes, you act like a 12 year old. And
f- you and things like that.
He doesn't
understand and somehow everything ends up my fault again after
he apologizes. HELP! Am I doing something wrong?
Thank you,
Jenni
Hi Jenni,
I have to wonder how much time you spent dating this guy before
you moved in with him.
A couple of months?
You don’t have the compatibility to live together. Maybe date,
but certainly not sharing a household.
The guy is a control freak with tendencies to be an abuser. From
what you told me he has all the hallmarks of being an abuser
such as:
Yelling about small things;
Showing distinct disapproval of how you are;
Making undeserved comments and attempting to start fights over
them;
Swearing at you;
Apologizing afterwards for what should have never been an issue
that he did start a fight over;
Never putting himself in your position to understand things in
your relationship.
You didn’t say that he’s cut you off from family and friends nor
did you say that you have a job. But I have to wonder how much
of himself is getting inserted into your life outside of your
residence.
If you can’t sit down with him and come to an agreement about
how to live together, basic rules and allowed behaviors that you
both be able to live with, then really, move out before life
gets worse.
Rules for living together:
Share expenses 50-/50; on a monthly basis put together the
receipts from all common expenses (rent/mortgage, utility bills,
phone, cable, shopping and common personal items like body soap,
dish washer detergent, etc.) and split the cost evenly;
Create a schedule for the tasks needed around the home (such as
vacuuming, sweeping, washing dishes, laundry, grocery shopping,
yard work, etc.), agree who will do what and when;
Once the things that need to be done are agreed to there is less
interference in your being together because there are bow no
chores and expenses that are surprises, can be overlooked and
may start a fight.
If you can’t agree what to do when, and how to share the
expenses with it all being written down and agreed to with
signatures, then you aren’t going to have a happy home life.
So, you have two things to do now:
1. Talk with your boyfriend about how he treats you, that you
should not, ever, be sworn at, humiliated, treated like a child;
2. Create a “Living Together Contract” putting everything in
writing, expenses, chores, etc. Leave nothing out. Remember,
everything you do individually affects the other, so it should
all be agreed to.
If you can’t do these things, it’s time to put how he treats you
under the microscope and decide if this is how you want to be
treated for the rest of your life. Because he won’t change
unless he agrees to change, you can’t force a man to change.
And if he does say he’ll change, hold him to it.
No idle threats about moving out. If you say it, mean it, have
an escape plan ready.
Best wishes,
Rob.
PS.
Guys, deal with your inner wussy by reading the "Double
Your Dating" ebook.
Girls, learn how to deal with this type of guy better and
actually be able to get the right man in your life by reading "Catch
Him & Keep Him".
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