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When He Won't Ask For A Date But All The Signals Are There
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
* Rob is not a professional counselor,
just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored.
He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll
have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
Dear Rob,
I’m in a slightly unfamiliar situation. Maybe, out of the
kindness of your seemingly bored, stranger-helping heart, you
could give me some advice.
First off, after reading several of your past entries/responses
(which I enjoyed quite immensely, by the way), I am already
anticipating your advice, which will most likely be to drop any
further attempts at some sort of relationship-like bond with
this guy beyond simple (ha!) platonic friendship. So I implore
you also to give me an alternate set of advice in which I do
pursue such… relations.
All pointless information aside, I am a 16 year old girl (for
accuracy’s sake, I’m 17 in a month) who is well, having problems
with a guy.
Oh god, the dreaded clichés have already come for me. Do
overlook that too, hmm?
I really don’t want this to become a long-winded
description/explanation, but there are several factors that
can’t be ignored. My apologies in advance. Still, I’m pretty
sure I’m going to end up typing the collective life story of me
and my love interest.
I’ll start at the beginning. (Or vice versa, if you wish.)
A short while ago, I self-diagnosed myself with
want-what-I-can’t-have-itis (thrill of the chase, fear of even
the slightest bit of commitment, those lovely little bad habit
truisms). All too common, I know, but I decided to get rid of it
since I already had enough problems as it were. At the same
time, I was a typical female who “liked” anything that was
attractive enough by my standards and had a pulse.
Ah yes, the good ol’ days. After getting more or less cured, I
did realize that I actually do look for specific things in a
guy, that I don’t want a relationship with just any gorgeous,
animate objects, etc. And I’m through with the bad, dangerous
type. They’re so boring. This is where Paul comes in.
Paul is quite remarkable. Suffice it to say that he truly has
what I am looking for. I had been attracted to him in the past,
but this was also during my streak with bad boys…sheesh. Oh and
there was also the fear of commitment, i.e., dating or the
likes.
Although a great deal of recent encounters, flirting, body
language, and exchanges between us are, in my mind, extremely
pertinent to the situation, I’ll omit them for brief
descriptions of the most key events.
Like most guys, from my understanding, he is painfully vague
when talking to me about certain… situations or problems. Unlike
most guys, it seems he is attempting to drop hints in these
exchanges and skillfully using elaborate analogies in doing so.
It is my belief that on the last day of school, after the
yearbooks had been signed and almost everyone had gone, he
intended to ask me out, but chickened out, so to speak. What I
extracted from his analogy (which he gave me later that day on
IM) was that he was all set on asking me out, but his ride took
the opportunity from him. The analogy essentially makes perfect
sense if I input the situation of him wanting to ask me out, but
for all I know that’s not what he’s trying to say. He said he
really should have stayed after longer, and, as the analogy
goes, “given the closing, and pissed off my carpool.” (i.e.,
asked me out in whatever brilliant fashion he was set on, and
pissed off his carpool.)
So basically, the situation that I’m in right now is that after
not going online for at least a year, the guy I like suddenly
gets a screen name on the evening of the last day of school,
tracks my screen name down on yahoo, and cryptically tells me
that he should have stayed later that day to tell someone (I
know that it’s a female), something “courageous” and perfectly
planned out that would have prompted some sort of judgment from
this girl, and that he regrets not doing. For the record, I was
the only girl there during the time he was talking about, save
for a few irrelevant freshman girls.
After that, we’ve been talking every night for a few hours on IM
(I even got him to stay an hour longer one night – quite a feat
considering he lives in a “police state”) until a few days ago,
as he is now in California visiting prospective colleges. From
what I have gathered… he has a case of wanting what he can’t
have. It’s rather complicatedly tied in with his personal
beliefs, and he isn’t too keen on getting out of it. He’s said
that he’s “picky,” and also that he (paraphrased) wishes that he
wouldn’t chicken out so much. I’m quite sure that he can’t
decide if he wants to have a relationship or not.
Yet at the same time, he drops hints of really wanting one; this
among countless other things – one of my guy friends actually
proposed to me the other day (we’re really close, and he wasn’t
completely serious), and I told Paul that, asking him what I
should tactfully say in return. Upon telling him my guy friend
had proposed to me, he said “sneaky bastard, beat me to the
punch…” Also things like only talking to me on IM, and pissing
off a few of his friends in the process.
A few days before he left for California, I asked him if he
could possibly come over to play a video game that we had been
planning on playing together (although the initial plan was to
do so over the internet, which I realized won’t work. Yes, we’re
both total nerds). He said sure, after the time he’d be gone. He
also said that he’d try to keep in touch over that time, but he
most likely wouldn’t be able to (he hasn’t so far). The problem
is…I feel I’ve been a bit over eager – quite a rarity for me. I
even gave him my email address, and told him to use it if he
felt the need (nothing yet). That, along with asking him to come
over, something the likes of which I had unsuccessfully nudged
at in the past, and more makes me feel like I’m being much too
keen.
I can’t be so overtly eager or I’ll scare him off. At the same
time, I can’t play too hard to get and flirt with other guys
because I’m afraid he’ll think I’m uninterested, and he’ll think
I wasn’t really being serious with him (from personal
experience, this seems like a possibility). What can I do to
attain this precious balance yet have the relationship actually
progress, to see if he really wants to be with me, and to find
all this out without coming off like some deranged, needy chick?
Thanks for any help
- Sue
Hi Sue,
I feel for you, I really do.
When a guy is getting all the signals to ask a girl for the date
and he wimps out, it's very frustrating.
For the both of you.
Here's an analogy for you:
He's the batter at the plate.
The bases are loaded. No outs.
The pitcher (you) are giving him all the signals that your pitch
is going to be a soft lob ball, right over the plate. Easily hit
out of the park.
And what does are batter do?
He passes and let's another batter take his place.
He's so scared of failure, or rejection, so lacking in
self-confidence that even when given the green light (literally
flashing before his eyes), when he has the perfect opportunity
to be the hero, he walks away.
Then, after the game he talks with the pitcher and says stuff
like:
"I had that one but my arm was stiffening up"
"I could've cleared the bases but I had a cramp in my leg"
And other crappy statements that infer he could have been the
hero but the time just wasn't right.
So, how do you handle this type of guy?
You have to step up and complete the deal.
The next time you see him, in person, after chatting a bit and
catching up you say to him, quite plainly, "Are you going to
take me on a date or what?" Then give him a kiss.
Seal the deal for him.
And yes, likely you'll be adopting a puppy-man. Willing to sit,
stay and roll over on your request.
He will be all mushy, dependant on you, constantly jealous and
always needing to know where you are.
But, in the end, you'll have received your request.
You will be dating this puppy-man.
So there you are, how to date the man that shows all the signals
that he wants to date you but he just can't bring himself to ask
the question.
End his pain. Make the completion.
Ask him the question.
Best Wishes,
Rob.
PS.
Guys, deal with your inner wussy by reading the "Double
Your Dating" ebook.
Girls, learn how to deal with this type of guy better and
actually be able to get the right man in your life by reading "Catch
Him & Keep Him".
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