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Will He Still Love Me When I’m Gone?
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
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Dear Rob,
I am leaving for university in the fall. My boyfriend and I have
been dating since sophomore year and we’ve only been with each
other, if you know what I mean. He will be staying at his
parent’s home for a year working and starting at my university
next year. We plan on visiting each other as much as possible
but since I’ll be out of state and he’ll be working we’re not
sure how that will all work out. Mainly, I guess, I am insecure
about him still wanting to be my boyfriend after I’ve started
university. He’ll be with all of our friends, and I’ll be alone,
away, in at school.
What can I do to make sure our relationship lasts until he comes
to school next year?
Signed,
Dating and Doubtful
Hi D and D,
I can really see your discomfort in being away from your
boyfriend when you start your new life at school and as he
starts his new life as a full-time worker.
Life begins when high school ends for many people. Different
places, different people, different responsibilities.
You can plan to travel to be together as much as possible, and
with Internet access everywhere, you’ll want to invest in a good
laptop and a webcam so you can spend some quality chat time
together too.
But you’ve asked “How can I be sure we’ll still be together
while we’re apart?” and that is a tough question to answer.
But answer these questions to discover a little about your
current relationship.
Do you:
- Have a regular date plan now? Do you see each other every
Saturday night for a date? Hang around together all the time, as
much as you can?
- Have regular phone calls?
- Exchange regular emails?
- Have both friends that are supportive of your relationship?
- Your family (both families) supports your relationship?
- Have no cheated on each other?
- Made “future plans together” that includes possible engagement
and marriage?
Positive answers to the above questions would lead me to believe
you will have a positive experience in your future.
Many couples that are separating for reasons outside of their
control exchange promise rings that identify a future together.
This exchange is a solidification of your future. It’s a sort of
“engagement to be engaged”. I suggest that this step be
discussed by you to your boyfriend and see how he reacts.
If I read your letter correctly, he should be very willing to
take this step.
You date regularly now and spend a lot of time together, plan
your separation with scheduled dates set up. Whether phone
calls, webcam chats or emails, decide on a day and time that is
just “your time”, just as you would having dates if you were
together.
And no matter the temptation, do not use family or friends as
“spies” on him. Trust is the biggest issue couples apart have.
If you feel you can’t trust him now, you won’t be able to trust
him when you are at school. And a breakup is a good idea before
something worse happens.
Both of you will be going through some pretty serious changes in
the coming months. You’ve got to be “adult” about things and
have a common ground of understanding to get you through this
year of separation and back together as a couple again.
There will be your school stress, his work problems, both of
which will work to divide you in a sea of “not understanding me”
arguments. But if you prepare against this going in then you
will be prepared as these issues arise.
A good thing here is to have a code word that explains that you
are going through a difficult time that is not due to anything
your boyfriend, or yourself for him, can fix. You can use the
code word in a phone call, email or chat session. This keeps
things to a common place where you agreed to be when you were
together. And helps to keep you both united in your coming long
distance relationship.
I wish you well in your future,
Rob.
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