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Divorcing The Sociopathic Husband And Moving On
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
* Rob is not a professional counselor,
just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored.
He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll
have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
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Dear Rob,
I was married to what I thought was the "perfect" man for nearly
7 years. He was 8 years my junior. He is now 39 and I am 47.
When we met, we were both married. I was in a very unhappy
marriage that lacked any intimacy whatsoever for nearly 5 years.
He said he was miserable with his wife and that she was hard to
get along with and was just simply an angry person.
We got divorces
and married each other. I paid for his divorce and mine. He
treated me like a queen and declared that he "loved me from the
bottom of his heart". He quickly ran errands for me and seemed
to actually spoil me. He gave regular massages. He told me
everyday just how beautiful he thought I was. He was the most
sensitive man I had ever met--he seemed quite sensitive in that
he cried easily upon hearing sad songs or watching sad movies.
I put 100% into
the marriage. I was determined to make it work. I was careful
not to snap at him and if I did, I apologized immediately. We
had one serious argument during the nearly 7 years of our
marriage.
I might add that
we came from two totally different backgrounds. I had been on
the same job nearly 20 years at the time and had a decent
income, had just purchased a new home, and had a new vehicle. I
was living the American Dream--I guess. He was driving a vehicle
that didn't run half the time, wearing tattered clothing, and
working a dead end job with no benefits. I felt he was a good
person but had lacked having the same opportunities that I had
been blessed with. I took him in, cleaned him up by buying him
new clothes and a dependable vehicle. Credit card nightmare!
Also, just before our first anniversary, he became seriously
ill. I rushed him to hospital and he had to have emergency
surgery for infectionious pericardis. He was in a coma for 13
days. I didn't sleep for over 40 hours and prayed that God would
save him. That was a very spiritual experience for me as God did
spare him and after that my husband kept telling me that I saved
his life. I would remind him that it was God that had saved him
a not me.
Also, before we had been married a year, I learned quite by
accident that he had said some pretty perverted things to a
young girl who worked at a fast food restaurant near our home.
She even referred to him as "an old pervert".
Then, a few years
later he made some inappropriate comments to a young lesbian
co-worker of mine who I supervised at the time. Not cool! He
told her just how sexy he thought she was and told her not to
tell his wife that he'd said that. This caused a terrible scene
and nearly caused the organization I work for a sexual
harassment suit. I permanently removed him from the property
immediately. When I asked him for an explanation for his
actions, he first said "maybe I'm going through a mid-life
crisis". When I responded with "so you were coming on to her"
question, he quickly said that he was only trying to compliment
her.
Then, he called
up his brother's wife and said some inappropriate things to her.
He finally admitted that they had once had sex before she was
his brother's wife and before he married me!
Then, I found the
phone numbers of two women hidden in his truck. I won't go into
detail but it was really weird how I ran across those. I
certainly wasn't prowling around in his truck! When I confronted
him, he started crying and begging me not to divorce him (by the
way, this was his reaction to the other two incidents, too), and
saying that he only got them just to "see if he could". He
promised me that he'd never even called them and that he would
never do anything again and that it would always just be me and
him. Silly me! I believed that and continued to trust him
although I was informed by people who had known him longer than
me that he had cheated on every woman he'd ever been with and
that he was a player!
Then, this past December he told me that he was unhappy and
wanted to leave. He said he wanted to be out on his own and that
he'd never even paid his own rent before and that he didn't want
to be married anymore.
The sensitive man
that I thought I knew so well transformed into a monster before
my very eyes! I didn't raise my voice at him--not once--but I
did ask him to please tell me what had happened as he had
continued to declare his love for me just days before.
He'd turn to me
with a very dark expression on his face and look at me with eyes
of steel and say things like, "I don't see what the big f*ing
deal is here, we can still be friends, I'll call you, I'll even
come by your house and maybe we can hook up sometime!".
I was devastated
and reminded him that I was his wife and asked him why on earth
he was talking to me like this. He didn't have any answers.
Then, he would tell me that he wanted to try to make it work,
then he would scream at me that he had to leave, then he would
approach me and tell me how beautiful I was and how much he
loved me, then he'd want sex.
I gave him sex in
any way he wanted it--I was trying to save my marriage! Then, I
found out that it indeed was another woman that he had known for
a little over 3 weeks! I tried to reason with him--thought he
might be suffering from a mid-life crisis. Then, when he spat at
me that if things didn't work at with her, he'd be back, I threw
a rock through the windshield of the truck that I had just
bought for him a month or so before. He wasn't in the truck--I
wasn't trying to hurt anyone--just finally stressed my
displeasure with the situation. He left for good that same day.
Since he left, I've learned through people coming to me--not
once have I sought info--that the man cheated on me with at
least a dozen women! It was like he was out there coming on to
anyone he could. He also came onto women who were really close
friends of mine as well as the wives and girlfriends of his
friends. Very risky! The gal he left me for had been married to
her husband for over 12 years and had a very comfortable life
and a good job.
Before they were
together 3 months and before her divorce was final, my ex
convinced her to sign mortgage papers with him for a mobile home
to put on "his" property which is actually in his mother's name.
The girlfriend told me that she has nearly used up all her
savings on this venture. She bought a second late model jeep
that he is now driving. I wouldn't let him take the truck that I
had bought him but gave him another one that I had bought that
ran better than the one he came into our marriage with. He has
bragged to everyone about her income and how she takes him
shopping at expensive clothing stores and tells him to get
whatever he wants. The girl is really a sweet girl but seems
quite naive. She and I exchange emails and I've tried to warn
her but she thinks she is the "special one" just like he told me
that I was the special one.
He even told me
before he left me that I should be proud because I was his
"record" in that he had stayed with me longer than anyone. I
fear he is using this girl in the same manner. I honestly feel
badly for her--I'm old enough to be her mother!
The other thing that I might mention is that he would not seek
steady employment. He didn't work half the time we were together
and this kept me under a great deal of stress. He was a total
pot head and had to have his pot no matter what.
He also had a
child support obligation that I paid when he wasn't working
because I didn't want him to have to deal with court or maybe
even jail if he fell behind. She now tells me that he's only
smoking pot on the weekends. When he was cheating on me, he did
it all pretty much on his work time, turning in work hours that
he wasn't even there! He worked on his own and his boss wasn't
around very much at all so he had the freedom and trust to do
pretty much what he wanted.
The new girl and
he work over 100 miles apart from each other so I figured that
she doesn't REALLY know what he is doing. She just hears his
great declaration of love for her all the time and all the
affection he is capable of pouring out to her. She said he told
her in the beginning of the relationship that he had to have sex
at least once a day and she agreed because she considers herself
a very sexual person as well. I obliged him his sexual desires
as well even though I hit menopause a few years ago. That was
hard but I kept it up no matter what but he seemed so very
inconsiderate during that time.
Also, I'm a very
attractive lady for my age and have taken good care of myself. I
easily pass for 35 and am fortunate to still have my shape. As
far as attractiveness, this 29 year old has nothing on me. I'm
not being conceited, it's just fact. However, I was catching on
to his using me and had started to say NO to a few
things--especially concerning money.
I'm sorry this is so long but it's a bit complex. I just don't
understand how a man could seem so sensitive and caring and then
so cold and malicious. How could this man have a conscience and
how can the girlfriend trust that he won't do the same thing to
her?
Thanks,
Anon
Hi Anon,
What a horrendous story. I am so glad that you managed to
escape!
As for whether this man is a sociopath, he certainly has the
tendencies to not have any remorse for what he does, ignore the
needs of others for his own selfish interests. His apparent
“sensitivity and caring” was merely a pretending game for him to
set you up, put you at ease, and effect his control over you,
the victim.
He also displays a “con man” attitude that he uses to trick
women into believing what they want to believe. He uses this
tactic as well to his own ends.
Any women that come into contact with him, any woman at all, are
merely playthings to be used and thrown away, no matter their
investment and involvement with him.
He’s certainly beyond counselling, it seems to me, as well as
he’s on the certain road to prison.
Eventually his “needs” will outweigh his reserved actions and
he’ll cross into obvious criminal activity, I’d think of a
sexual assault type crime.
He’s done this to you, used his “power” over you to get you to
do things you’d otherwise never do.
I hope that your divorce is completely final and you can move on
from this experience and loss of your enjoyment of the last
several years. It seems to me that he married you under false
pretences and you should have had the advice of an annulment, if
you had revealed all to your attorney. (Just my opinion.)
Again, I am glad that you survived, I hope this other woman
manages to see the light before it’s too late.
Best wishes for a brighter future!
Rob.
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