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Getting Ready For The Next Guy
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
* Rob is not a professional counselor,
just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored.
He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll
have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
Dear Rob,
I read your website and was interesting to me to see that a lot
of people have asked you advice on relationships and I was
impressed with the advice you gave them. I just went through a
very difficult time in my life and I want to tell you what
happened and hope that you can give me some advice, please.
I use to live in Illinois from 2002-2004. I had lived in Florida
my whole life, but then I had moved to live in IL with my
brother who was there for work. Well, in 2004 I decided to move
back to Florida to finish my Bachelors degree since it was
cheaper. When I left in 2004 my guy cousin decided that he was
going to move up to IL and live with my brother so he could
study for his medical boards there with my brother. So, I was
living in Florida studying for my Bachelor's degree and a year
later I decided to go up to IL to visit my brother for his
birthday and all my friends were planning on meeting up with us
that night for my brother's birthday.
Well, my cousin
who had moved in with my brother was there as well and he had
told me that there was this guy (my ex- "N") he had met when he
moved up to IL and he wanted me to meet him, because he was a
great guy and he was a lot of fun and he felt that we were a lot
of like and would click well together.
So, I got to know
this guy that he introduced me to and him and I ended up doing
long distance for 14 months. During those months we had been
deciding whether I was going to be moving back up to IL so that
him and I could be together or if he was going to move to
Florida. "N" (my ex) is originally from Florida, he had just
moved up to IL when he met my cousin, it was a coincident that I
had just left IL to go back to FL and he did the opposite. Well,
anyways, I knew that it would be best for me to move to IL since
he didn't have a college degree and had a great job that was
paying him really good for having no degree. He was in the IT
industry and he enjoyed what he did.
Well, to make this long story shorter:
I ended up moving to IL for him after our long dreadful 14
months of long distance. When I moved up there 3 weeks later he
flew me to Colorado with him and proposed to me there in the
mountains, it was very romantic. Everything was going good,
before I had even moved up to IL.
I'll be honest we
had some problems, things between him and I just weren't like
they use to be the first 7 months of dating. Well, when I moved
in with him in IL things slowly got worse. We argued all the
time and when we did I always found myself apologizing even if
it wasn't my fault. Just, because I got tired of trying to get
him to realize where he was wrong, so I would just say "I'm
sorry" so we wouldn't argue anymore.
He always had
this theory that he had told me once before "I'm always right
until proven wrong" - Yeah we're not close minded are we ? Not
only did he tell me that, but his mom had already warned me that
"he thinks he knows it all" I already knew that he was a
stubborn person, because when we would get into arguments he
would always try to prove his point and he ALWAYS knew how to
twists things up to make it seem like he was not wrong, he was
very good at manipulating me. I would get so tired of that, but
I still kept holding on to what we have especially since we were
planning on getting married.
I always thought that the reason why him and I would argue when
were long distance was because we were frustrated that we
couldn't' be together when we wanted to be.
But, then when we
lived together, what was the excuse then? It's crazy because a
week before I was moving to IL, I cried to my roommate that I
was afraid things wouldn't work out. She told me that if they
didn't at least I can always move back home. Sometimes I wish I
wouldn't' have moved and had listened to my own instincts.
Living with him
was an up and down roller coaster ride. One day he was a sweet
heart the next day he would make me feel like crap, he would put
me down, but would act as if it was normal. He told me once that
I had to workout because I looked like I was starting to gain
weight, meanwhile I weighed 108lbs. not fat at all.
He's told me that
he felt that he cooked better then me, that I didn't know how to
dress with fashion, the way I walked, he asked me "if the
university I graduated from was easy?" pretty much trying to
tell me I wasn't smart.
He just turned
out to be someone I didn't know when I moved to IL, he had
changed so much, or maybe that was who he really was. Does it
sound like maybe he was insecure? And maybe he said and did
those things to feel better about himself. We even got into an
argument once and he punched the wall.
We were suppose
to be getting married 2 weeks ago and I still have a wedding
dress I need to sell.
It's been so
hard. I don't know what I can do to "let it go and move on" can
you give me any advice as to why you think this happened, maybe
we moved to fast, maybe we just really weren't compatible, what
can I do to move on and not feel that every guy I see now I feel
like it would be hard for me to trust them.
How will I know
the next person I meet won't put on a front before I get to
really know who he is and then realize that I don't like the
real him?? HELP me please! I feel really alone with this.
Thank you!
Suzy
Hi Suzy,
I am very sorry that things didn’t work out for you but I am
deeply relieved that you didn’t marry this narcissistic,
controlling sociopath.
You’re going to have good days, bad days and days of complete
joy.
I know, I’ve been there.
I want you to understand that the choices you made in the past
were based on the best information that you had at the time
(with some romantic ideas thrown in for good measure) and it
turned out that the information you had about your fiancé was
flawed.
He lied and manipulated you from the beginning.
He wasn’t in love with you as much as he wanted to control you.
To own you. To blame you for his own inadequacies and lack of
self-esteem in being a man.
And you escaped. You should be proud of yourself.
Many other women find out too late about this type of man. They
stick through several years of marriage, eventually coming to
the conclusion (or never) that they are being abused. And they
are trapped. Beaten and worse.
From this point over I order you to be over him. Sell off and
throw out every little thing the two of you purchased together.
Stay single for the next few months. No dating until the fall.
This will give you a summer to experience being single again. No
rebound romances allowed.
The next guy you meet you will be aware of any efforts he makes
to change you. If he cannot accept you as you are, head for the
hills!
Any guy that demands change in the woman he is dating, the woman
he loves, is not a real man. He’s a little boy in a man’s body,
surrounded by insecurity and no self-esteem.
A real man is accepting, changes for the woman in her life and
does not demand change in her.
Chivalry is not dead, it’s just on an MTV hiatus. A Rap music
video is the worse education in the world for boys and men to
learn how to relate to women and yet this is where we are in the
21st century.
Understand that you cannot change a man. Despite your best
wishes (emotional and romantic involvement notwithstanding) the
package you see is the package you get.
The basic test of challenging a man is the way to first make an
effort if he is controlling or not. If he is an acceptable
representation of being a real man.
Your test includes (but is not being limited to),
During the first few dates:
Changing plans of a date: suggest a different restaurant, a
different movie at the last minute before the date starts. His
response will give you insight of his controlling personality.
Ask him what you should wear for a date, when he is with you at
your place. Let him choose between three different outfits. His
responses will let you know how interested he is in how you are
dressed with him.
(Insight: I don’t let my wife dress inappropriately for our
dates, but I only allow myself to comment when asked. Her style
isn’t always mine but I have learned to let her express herself
in the way she dresses and wears her hair. And I take joy in
knowing that she dresses to look good ‘for me’ and me alone
every time. And I try my best to dress so that she takes pride
in me.)
As you start to get involved, past the fourth date, does he
pressure you for sex? There should be no sexual involvement
until at least after the two month mark. I’d prefer to admit
keeping sex until after marriage. Giving of yourself in this way
should be saved for the real commitment of life and a future
together which marriage represents, but all too often sex is
just a using of each other’s bodies that doesn’t mean anything
more than the grunting of bedroom partners. Avoid being used in
this way always.
Does he talk down to you?
Does he hold intelligent conversations with you?
Does he respect your opinions or does he belittle you?
Do you do the same?
You should be introduced to his family, and him to yours, at
about the sixth to eighth date. Location permitting.
And in this day and age if distance is a factor, make the
effort. Holiday weekends spent with family (even if you have to
stay in a hotel for convenience sake) is when this should
happen, before events thrust you, him and the family together.
Are you involved enough in his life that you know his family?
Are you accepted by his family.
Does he put his family before you?
Do you do the same?
Should you decide to move in together you must decide on a
contract that spells out not only the financial aspects of
paying for your home, food and household expenses but also what
will happen should this roommate arrangement not work out. How
will things be divided, who keeps what.
Making an intelligent financial arrangement prior to sharing
living space is an absolute must and will also foreshadow your
future life together.
Should you manage to remain together after two years there
should be a frank discussion of marriage. Or should there be a
pregnancy marriage plans made immediately.
The both of you must prepare for your future family together,
with marriage contract in hand. Or your life needs to start
being planned apart, with all legal ramifications being dealt
with as adults.
Best wishes,
Rob
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