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The Man-child
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
* Rob is not a professional counselor,
just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored.
He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll
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Dear Rob,
First off I think your a great guy doing what u do! I browsed
through your web site and think its the best thing that happened
for anyone to get advice on and seeing that others have the same
kind of situations their in.
Well I'm sort of embarrassed to talk about my problem in what
I'm having with this on and off relationship that I have. I'm
30, my so called bf is 37 and we've dated for 2 years. We have a
8 month old daughter that's involved. Neither of us are married.
He does have 3 sisters and 1 brother that has kids. Well I don't
understand why he would want to constantly be there for his
relatives kids that are the ages between 5 and up and not his
own! It seems that he's always there for his relatives,
especially his mother, ignores my daughter and I with no phone
calls or seems like he fell off earth, then when he's done
taking care of them that's when he has time for my daughter and
I. It's very hurtful that he considers his 1st daughter last,
only supports her when he feels like it. We used to live
together but now separated due to arguing all the time and also
would just constantly be running to his relatives and mother.
I know it's ok to help family out once in a while or when there
is a bad crisis but this happens everyday with him. Even when we
lived together he wouldn't come home to us first he be going to
his mother's house. It started to make me feel annoyed, and that
I wasn't the main priority to him. I feel as though he's so
attached to his mother and family that he doesn't even know how
to deal with his own here!
Another thing is when he's in the wrong I get the blame! He
calls me " nuts, I create things in my head, that I need mental
help, etc. I know I'm being verbally abused by him! I'm trying
my best to keep up my self esteem and not to let him bring me
down. I fear that if I take him to court that when he gets his
visitation rights that he'll abuse my daughter the same way,
that's why I don't have anything to do with the court, we make
plans for him to see his daughter but at least I still have more
of the say so.
I don't know what to do about the relative/ mother thing? He's
37 and wants to move back in with his mother instead cause he
knows then he wont have to work, sit in front of TV, cook, clean
for his mother and babysit his sisters kids instead of working
things out with us as a family! I'm confused cause I don't want
to be alone with our daughter but at the same time I'd rather be
alone cause I can't take the verbal abuse anymore.
There is so much more about him that I could write a book and
continue to ask for help! I really do have more of a little boy
here then a real man!!! Real Men take care of their
responsibilities and always care for their family!!
But this was my main concern. I did read one of your articles
about controlling guys and all the 12 statements match him. So
I'm keeping my eyes out for someone that's going to treat my
daughter and I like their first priority! I no longer feel cared
for or loved by this person! I wonder if this is still going to
continue on and on with his nieces and nephews when my daughter
get older to understand more things. If so i feel so hurt that
she's going to see her dad care more about the other kids then
her! I would hate to see my daughter run and cry to me about
him.
Looking forward for your advice~ ~ ~
Sincerely,
Susan
Hi Susan,
You've met a "man-child". Someone that doesn't need to grow up,
take responsibility, make decisions that affect anyone but
himself.
He won't change, it's really too late for him.
Blame his mother for being so protective of him that he never
had to stand on his own two feet. And blame him for not having
the courage to be a real man and shoulder the responsibility of
his own life.
He'll keep his family ahead of the one he's created with you
because:
- they aren't his responsibility
- he can have all the good times and none of the hard times with
his family and nieces/nephews
- they will take care of him but if he's with you he has to take
care of himself, you and the baby
You need to start thinking of yourself and your child first:
- get a court order for child support
- get a court order for supervised visits because the guy can't
be trusted
And realize that your relationship with him, outside of the
responsibilities he has for your child, is over. He may try to
protect himself by making small gestures of support, of visiting
you and your child. But they will quickly end if you let him off
the hook of the responsibility he now has. It's time you made
him prove himself. And you'll see him attack you with anger.
He'll say that you don't understand the pressure he's under.
He'll work you from every angle to make everything your fault,
not his. Don't let him off the hook!
Get a lawyer, protect yourself.
You may need counseling to get over the coming rough spots, do
it. For yourself and your child.
I wish you well,
Rob.
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