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The Uncaring, Selfish Husband
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
* Rob is not a professional counselor,
just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored.
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Dear
Rob,
My husband and I are married for 2 years and 2 months now. We
were in love for 4 years before being married.
My parents opposed the marriage and fought against it until it
happened.
We have a group of common friends that I like so much. The
problem is that my husband is very selfish, he does what he
wants to do when he wants to do it without considering me or
thinking of our little daughter.
We do not have much of a private life, we have to spend all our
spare time with our group of friends. I can not plan to go out
anywhere if they are not coming. Thursdays are sacred for them.
I can not go to the cinema if they did not feel like it. My
husband does not like going to a restaurant with me to even have
lunch. The only common thing that we share is going to the pool.
That is all.
I might like to do some things in the weekend but I have to
either go by myself or take some of my friends but never to
bother him because he will not do anything for me.
If I want to spend any time with him then I will have to do it
his way or find my own way to entertain myself alone. He has no
concern to do anything even for one hour just for me. In all the
occasions, it's the same to him: birthdays, Valentine's Day,
marriage anniversary means nothing to him.
He does not want to exchange presents and he does not want to go
out even though he knows that this matters to me so much. I have
to accommodate myself always on his likes & dislikes but mine
are my own problems. He does allow anyone to tell him what to
do, he chooses what he will do according to his mood. If I want
something I have to do it and not bother him.
I hope I explained my problem. I want to find a solution. I love
him but still I can not bear this kind of attitude anymore.
I began to be not wanting to share anything with our friends. If
I do not want to (sometimes before I used to go not because I
want to but because I have to share with him something). I began
to feel not wanting to share anything with him if he does not
want to share anything with me. I am not over demanding I demand
a little and on long intervals other than that we do all what he
likes and even this is not appreciated by him.
Thanks in advance,
Mary-Jane
Hi Mary-Jane,
Now is the time for you to confront him about being
inconsiderate of you and his bad behavior.
Sit him down and tell him openly how he makes you feel. That he
is not being fair or nice to you. A marriage is a partnership,
not a place for a husband to think only of himself.
And, the next time that be talks badly of you in front of you
and his friends, you immediately do this:
Repeat what he said, and say "I can't believe that you'd say
that about me, your loving wife" and wait for his reply.
Whenever he says something mean, hurtful or selfish use a
variation of that phrase:
"I can't believe that you'd say that about me, your loving wife"
"I can't believe that you'd wouldn't think about me, your loving
wife"
"I can't believe that you'd make me do this all by myself, your
loving wife"
If you continue to let him mistreat you, you'll have to live
with it for the rest of your marriage.
If you stand up for yourself, eventually he will understand that
he cannot treat you so badly.
Guys like this usually were overly doted on by their mothers or
older siblings. They were always allowed to do what they want,
the consequences of their actions never being made apparent to
them or having to apologize for thinking only of themselves.
Changing this behavior requires calm, thoughtful confrontation.
Never become angry.
Don't cry.
Remain calm when you talk to him about his behavior, don't let
him turn the fault of his behavior onto yourself (a sign of
controlling behavior).
And when he's being mean in front of his friends towards you,
repeat what he said and ask him, in front of his friends, why
he'd say such a hurtful thing.
To rein in a poorly behaving, selfish husband, you have to make
the rules of your marriage, friendship and relationship clear to
him. You need to be calm and not back down from talking to him
about his continuing to hurt you emotionally by his actions and
words.
You may also want to talk to his parents and older siblings
about his behavior. How they dealt with it, why maybe he acts
this way. A little insight can go a long way.
If you can start counseling as well, this will help you to
understand how to deal with these husband troubles. Go alone if
he won't join you.
You'll become a better person, a stronger wife, for doing these
things.
Best wishes,
Rob.
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