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Dealing With The New Boyfriend That Wants Sex
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
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Dear
Rob,
Me and this guy that I met at work started dating. We've known
each other for a month, but have been dating for a week. We've
gone on two dates. And we're kind of taking things way faster
then I want to.
There's no sex involved and I don't plan for there to be.
(intercourse or oral). But we do "mess around", which I prefer
that we get to know each other better, and he has said that he
is willing to wait for me, when I'm ready to have sex.
However, a friend of his, who also works with us, and has known
him since he was a toddler, cause he was best friends with her
brother, was talking about how he was trying to get in bed with
her (before we dated) and how typical guy, always trying to have
sex.
See when we got together, he told me he wanted us to be
completely open with how we feel about each other and told me
that he liked me a lot, etc. He opens the doors for me, he calls
me to say good morning, and that kind of sweet stuff, however,
when we're at my apartment, he wants to mess around and we do,
but I don't let it go farther then that. And I told him I feel
we are moving too fast, and he says its not too fast. I don't
really do much to him, he's usually doing stuff to me. I want to
know, that if I tell him, that we should stop doing anything
more then kisses, and just get to know each other better, and
plan activities, like museum visits, that kind of thing.
I never should have let him do more then kiss me, I realize
that, but can you start over like that, and he'll respect me,
and like me more? Is that possible? Can I get him to like me by
resisting him and doing stuff where we'll get to know each other
as individuals? Or is it too late?
If not, what kind of stuff can we do that will get him to
respect me for me, and not turn to his player side, because I
know that a guy does not respect a girl who gives away sex
easily, and we haven't done that orally or intercourse. I know
guys respect and like you more if you hold out and aren't
"easy". But is it too late for me because we "messed around" and
if not, how can I get him to not wanna stray on me.
Thanks
Jen
ps. He hasn't yet.. but I want to make sure of it for the
future.
Hi Jen,
This guy is trying to play you like a deck of cards... the more
he deals (arouses you sexually) the better the odds that he'll
get a winning had (have sex with you).
Stop it now! Right now!
He's using you to get what he wants and figures that sooner,
rather than later, he'll wear you down. Then when the deed is
done he'll drop you as another trophy he's won. The guy sounds
like a player to me.
Guys that respect girls don't expect them to "hold out" and make
having sex a challenge, they expect the girls they date to not
be easy, to wait for the relationship to actually lead somewhere
before having sex. I read somewhere that a girl should wait at
least 3 months before going to bed with a guy. I don't agree
with that at all. A girl should wait until a real commitment has
been made by the guy and much longer than 3 months. Not him just
saying "I love you". Sorry, three little words don't make all
that much difference unless they are sincere, thought out and
leading to a bigger commitment than just going to bed. And I
don't mean him saying that sex will lead to "exclusivity". If
you're not the only girl he's dating now, dump him fast! Because
what he's not getting from you he's trying to get elsewhere. A
real user, a real player.
I'm not old-fashioned, I'm honest. Guys want to get laid and
more often than not they'll do whatever it takes to get there.
Girls want a more honest commitment so they don't feel cheap,
used and slutty. And they will accept a lie from the guy so they
don't feel used and slutty, at first. Then all emotional hell
breaks out.
This guy isn't being honest with you, he's trying to use you.
Put the brakes on the sexual activity. He'll try and try. Then
he'll leave. And he won't call. And you'll hurt. But trust me,
you'll be much better off.
I think that for your next date you should wear a belt on your
pants and a pad under your underwear. And a sports bra with no
wiggle room.
Lock him out and tell him no. Make the future of your
relationship depend on his actions after you tell him that you
need to slow down.
You asked me these questions and here are my answers:
Can you start over sexually?
- Yes, provided you're open, honest and protected from his
encouragement. He'll try to advance but if he really respects
you he'll agree to backing off. If he doesn't, well, that tells
all doesn't it? His respect will be told from the next call
after your date ends.
Will he respect you by starting to resist his sexual acts?
- Not at first. He'll doubt your sincerity and try to get you to
"do it anyways". That will show you that he's just using you,
not respecting you. Of course, he may feel more than just sexual
towards you, then he will respect your choice and let you set
the sexual timetable. If this happens, go slow... very slowly
because you won't be bale to set the clock back twice.
Will he want to do other things, other dates together, that
don't lead to sex?
- I hope so. Otherwise the first two answers above have
answered.
How to keep a guy from his "player side"?
- If you suspect he's a player, ask him about his past. Old
girlfriends, why they broke up, that sort of thing. His answers
and honesty will tell all. But if he's playing you you'll never
get to this question and get a straight answer. Ever.
I really hope that this is a guy caught up in the sexuality of
the times and peer pressure that he truly doesn't believe in.
Many people and not just guys, do things because they think they
should, not because it feels right, is right, or is needed. You
have the chance to correct his thoughts and actions, about sex,
about you and about your relationship. I hope you have the
strength to follow through with my suggestions; that your
boyfriend has the courage to not be lead by his sexual desires;
and that you both can have a truly fulfilling relationship.
Best wishes,
Rob.
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