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Face Reality When Re-creating A Healthy Relationship
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
* Rob is not a professional counselor,
just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored.
He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll
have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
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Dear
Rob,
I'm not sure how to explain my problem. My fiancé can be very
sweet and loving but he has an anger problem that I don't like.
He is very jealous. He does not want me having guy friends and I
can't even hug a guy without him getting mad.
One time I told him I was going off with one of my girlfriends
and he got mad at me because he said he didn't like her and
didn't want me to hang out with her. But while he was telling me
this he was off with his guy friends.
It's like he wants things to go his way all the time and if they
don't he gets mad.
If we get into an argument about something that he did he blames
it on me no matter what. It's always " Well you must not love me
as much as you say you do" and it's like I don't even know why
that comes up.
One time we were talking about how unfaithful people are and he
told me if he ever caught me cheating on him he would kill me. I
know he's just saying that to scare me. He has never so much as
laid a finger on me.
Sometimes I don't even like to confide in him things I've done
in my past because he is very judgmental. One time he called me
a whore and then apologized. But it's so confusing because most
of the time he is very loving. He will take me places and do
stuff with me. And he spends all of his spare time with me. We
are barely ever apart.
Should I stay with him? I just don't know what to do. I love him
with all of my heart but he can be so heartless sometimes like
he doesn't care at all.
Please help me,
Helen
Hi Helen,
Maybe you think he's saying tough things like he'd kill you if
you cheated on him but I think that he's really drawing a line
in the sand. What happens to you if he seriously suspects
something is going on? I bet dollars to donuts that he'd beat
you silly. His control over his own self-doubt is shaky at best.
When you become a victim to his hostility (verbal abuse and/or
threatened physical abuse), when you allow yourself to be put
down so that he can feel better of himself, when you allow a guy
to not have to take the responsibility for how he makes you feel
when he makes you sad or mad...
It's time to show him the door.
Really, I only
see things in your relationship getting worse.
He judges you, he rejects the fact that you are an independent
woman that can think for herself. He is creating a world to hold
you in, where you will only be able to do, act and think within
his rules, which don't apply to himself.
Put aside the 'loving moments', this guy is set on controlling
you for his own benefit, not in a loving relationship based on
mutual respect.
He wants to own you so that when he does hurt you, he can blame
you for it, since you are only 'property' that is not allowed to
have any real feelings that he should care about.
It's time for you to stop being with him all the time. Carve out
some time to be with your girlfriends and family, as soon as
possible.
Healthy relationships are like trees, they only grow when the
branches can spread out. Stop letting him prune you! Lay down
the rules for your relationship and if he can't accept them,
dump him.
Best wishes,
Rob.
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