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Only The Weather Changes, Guys Don't
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
* Rob is not a professional counselor,
just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored.
He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll
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Dear
Rob,
I'm not sure if my fiancé is controlling or not.
He is very
jealous. He gets mad if a guy even looks at me. He doesn't want
me to have guy friends. If we get into an argument about
something he has done wrong he always tries to make it seem like
its my fault. He is in bootcamp for the army and he wrote a
couple of letters to his ex.
When I found out
I told him that if he wrote her one more letter that we were
over. He said "Well obviously you don't love me as much as you
say you do if you would break up with me for that".
See what I mean
about him turning everything around on me?
He has told me
about dreams he has had where he caught me cheating on him and
in one of them he said he threw a cell phone at my head. I don't
think he would ever really do that to me or put his hands on me
in anyway but then why would he have a dream like that. He does
have an anger problem but he has never hurt me but I'm worried.
When we get married will he change?
Help me please,
D
Hi D,
I think that you need to take a step back at your life as it is
now and how you feel it will be once your married. Make a list
of everything.
(1) What you do
now on your own;
(2) What you do
together and;
(3) The things
you want to change about both.
If you see anything that you want to be changed about your
fiancé, how he acts now compared to how you want him to act when
he's your husband, postpone the marriage. I strongly recommend
couples counseling before your marriage.
Him sending
letters to his ex shows that he has no regard for your feelings
about him. He's looking for attention and comfort that he feels
he can't get from you. (Unless they have a child together and
he's sending the letters addressed to his ex but meant for his
child then this would be a part of your life, being involved
with his ex and child, that will go on for at least 18 more
years.)
People don't change because there is a ring on their finger.
What you see now is who you'll have in the future. The only
person you can change is yourself and I don't recommend changing
into the type of person he wants you to be: obedient,
subservient, under his control.
From what you've told me your fiancé tries to intimidate you,
control you and blame you. He tells you his threatening dreams
to scare you. Marriage won't change any of this from happening
in the future. And I bet that he'll keep in touch, see anyone,
anywhere, no matter your feelings. You'll be placed second to
what he wants to do whether it's good for the both of you or
just something he wants to do for himself.
If you can get him into counseling then great. I am thinking
that, however, he'll start an argument with you about it, blame
you for wanting him to be someone he isn't and threaten to break
up with you.
It's up to you to decide your future but don't let your future
be forced onto you.
Best wishes,
Rob.
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