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The Breakup That Isn't Final
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
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should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored.
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Hi
Rob,
Noticing the type of advice that you give, I had to ask you some
question about a 3.5 year relationship, that officially came to
a conclusive a couple months ago.
Mutually, we felt
as though there were things that I did wrong (jealousy, poor
treatment, and getting too upset or angry, overanalyzing, etc)
that may have accumulated over the years.
However, there were times towards the end the relationship when
she began to act differently and not as happy with talking to me
or seeing me. An important fact, however, is that she currently
attending graduate school. She claims that her limited time to
see me, coupled with the accumulated discomfort that she felt
for me, is what ultimately ended matters between us. Right now,
she wants to be alone, hang out with her friends, and as she
claims, "do her thing." However, she still claims to love me!
Anytime I mention the idea of her going out and dating so she
can find someone, she tells me that she has not met the man that
can equate to me yet. She doesn't see anyone out there for her
that can match up to me.
She also stated on occasion that there are times when she's
unhappy being without me ever since we split up. She says this
is not necessarily a permanent situation. She wants to take some
time to see how we get along under these conditions and see if
anything changes between us. I have tried to back off and act as
if I don't care either way about getting back with her, but she
has consistently managed to reel me in (me becoming a WUSSY)
with flirting, seduction, and loving gestures such as wishing
that I would cuddle with her. She sees reactions from other
girls aimed at me and she makes comments such as, "I'm hotter
than them. Sorry!" Or, "I think she wants you."
Bottom line, I
want her back, but feel as though I need to keep that notion
internal as much as possible. I've also told her that I am
confused as to the logic behind her flirtation. Her response,
"If you don't like it, I won't do it anymore." She is definitely
playing games. I feel I need to let her come to me and continue
to play hard ball, but it's getting difficult to stay so
disciplined.
She seems confused over her feelings about me. My best friend
suggested that I take her out for the weekend one of this
upcoming weekends for diner, a movie, and then a hotel room.
Just spend the whole weekend with her to bury the hatchet and
indirectly attempt to clean the slate.
Recently, I ran
the idea past her, and she immediately expressed a solid
interest in that idea, but I also told her that I don't know
about the sex part. I told her I don't know about that because I
do not want to add to her confusion in regards to how she
perceives me (wanting me back or not wanting me back). What do
you think about the leisurely weekend time with her and my
thoughts about the sex situation? Should that weekend even
happen?
What can I do to change this whole scenario? I do want her back.
That's the truth. I don't think I should let her know that I
want her back though - just keep it casual I admit that I have
been wuss in the past, telling her that I want her back. Big no
no. Still, she seems attracted to me, still wants to have sex
with me, and claims to still have feelings for me. I have acted
like a wuss in the past couple months, but now I'm attempting to
turn that around. Can I get this girl back again with an "I
don't care either way" approach? If so, what do you suggest
would be a good plan for me to do that? Do I pay her any mind?
Do you conceivably see a future once again for us?
Joe
Hi Joe,
Sorry to tell you but you've been downgraded from boyfriend to
plaything. Sure, she still has feelings for you, but she's
dumped you so she can explore if it's possible for her to have
feelings for different guys too.
The weekend you're planning could be a good thing but most
likely I see a big expense, a little pleasure and nothing being
resolved.
If you want to turn this relationship around it's time for you
to be the single guy she at first wanted you to be... and that
means doing things without her watching over your shoulder,
without her hanging around with you and your friends.
What you need to know about long term relationships that break
up out of confusion, lost interest and maturing personalities is
that they are a hard habit to break. Couples remain friendly and
comfortable with each other after this type of breakup, but deep
down the person that initiated the breakup is dissatisfied with
their lives and looking for something (and someone) new and
exciting.
And they keep you
in the wings, waiting for them to come back to you, until they
do find that something new because they don't have to fully feel
the loss of your relationship while you're still around.
It's time for you to give her the gift of missing you. Move on
with your life and let her decide if her feelings for you is as
strong as it once was as she is missing you.
Catch up with her in a couple of months. But do not wait as a
wussy single guy pining away for his lost love. Get out there
and date other women.
Now!
Best wishes,
Rob
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