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The Controller And Sex
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
* Rob is not a professional counselor,
just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
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Hi
Rob,
I have never done this but its just been eating away at me
lately.
I met this guy three years ago and we hit if off right away, as
best friends, but six months later it turned into more, and we
started going out. After a while though things got rocky and we
broke up but stayed best friends and eventually fell right back
into our relationship habits because he had been staying at my
apartment as my roommate.
Anyway, it turned into a "friends with benefits" thing even
though neither of us would call it that. We have now gone out
and broken up five times now but this last time I had moved to
Florida with him because he wanted me too and I did. But soon
afterwards he dumped me again and he started dating someone else
when I went home for my sister's wedding.
When I got back I was angry and hurt and moved back home. But he
kept calling me everyday while he was dating her and even more
so after they broke up three months later. He came to visit
three times and then talked me into coming up there twice. And
once more we have slipped into the "friends with benefits" role
even though I am still pretty bitter.
And I don't know what to do. I love him and he is the best
friend I have ever had and I don't want to lose that, yet he has
caused me more pain than anyone else emotionally.
He gets horribly jealous when another guy flirts with me or when
I try to move on and date someone else but he cannot say he
cares for me. Should I give it one more try? Or should I just
suck it up and try to forget him and lose my best friend?
Thanks, Messed Up.
Hi Messed Up,
You're right to question this relationship because it's not a
healthy one. There is nothing "two-way" about what you have
here. Multiple breakups and continually making yourself
available to this guy tells me that you need to work on your
self-confidence, your inner strength, and stop being so
dependent on someone so controlling and destructive.
This guy fits the controlling profile type to a T. And, he's
using you for sex.
His jealousy tells me that he wants what he wants and will fight
everyone, even you, to get it. This isn't love, heck, it's
barely friendship. He has you under his control and uses
whatever he can to keep you there.
He's going to be a heck of an abuser later on, if he hasn't hit
you already he sure knows your buttons to push to keep you under
his control.
I suggest you distance yourself from him and keep him away.
Break all contact. Don't let him waste more of your life away.
He's not really a friend, he's someone you've been intimate
with, on his terms only, and that will never change. Never let
someone else have such control over you because when the light
finally comes on you'll find that you really have wasted those
months or years with a control freak that never considered your
feelings.
You know by the tone of your letter that you need to break up
with him once and for all.
And you're right!
So do it.
Best wishes,
Rob.
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