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17 And
Never Kissed
by Ask Rob! The Advice General
www.advicegeneral.com
* Rob is not a professional counselor,
just someone that wants to help. His advice and opinions are his own and
should be treated as advice that can be followed or ignored.
He'll give you the best advice his experience allows. And you'll
have someone that'll listen to your troubles without being too
judgmental. And if you don't like his answers, just delete them! *
Hi Rob,
I'm 17 years old and a senior in high school. In the last few
months I've noticed a girl around that really grabbed my
attention so I went up to her at lunch one day and I said to
her:
"Excuse me, I'm not really sure how to say this, but I've
noticed you around and I just wanted to tell you that you're an
incredibly beautiful girl."
So we introduced ourselves and talked for a while. Near the end
of our conversation, I was about to ask for her number when she
said all of a sudden:
"This is a really weird time to be doing this. I'm grounded
right now, but I'll give you my number as soon as I'm ungrounded
okay?"
So I asked her when she was going to be ungrounded and she said
she doesn't know. I know she's not lying for a fact, but it's
been weeks and weeks since she said this. Now I stop and have a
nice little conversation and flirt with her in the halls once in
a while, but here's where my problem lies.
I'm a senior, and my parents will NOT allow me to get a driver's
license until I'm 18. I'm already humiliated enough by this and
I don't know what to do.
I'm really distraught right now about every aspect of my life
and really am lost and don't know what to do.
Should I just wait and see if she eventually gets her cell phone
back? I know that that's the only thing she's grounded off of. I
know she's still allowed to hang out with people.
Please tell me how to handle this situation in a way that will
increase her attraction for me! I really feel worthless at this
time in my life because it feels like I don't have any friends.
I don't have anyone to talk to. I want so bad for someone to
care for me, I feel like if I can get in a relationship it might
fill this empty hole in my heart. I would never let anyone in my
life know these things though, as far as they know, I'm calm
collect and confident with women.
I'm a fraud, I've never even been kissed before. I feel like my
peers are light years ahead of me in relationship experience and
maturity.
I desperately seek your help!
Thank you for your time,
Anonymous
Hi Anonymous,
I really feel for you.
I can honestly tell you that life is hard... life is unfair...
And when you get all wrapped up with a woman that won't give you
the time of day life is cruel too....
There is good news however.
First off, promise me that you'll save this email. Never delete
it. And when this happens again, that you're all wrapped up with
a woman, you'll come back to read it again. Because this won't
be your first time with this problem!
You know why I said that?
It's because of several things:
- There are a lot of women in the world and there are 3 or 4 or
maybe more, that will strike your fancy in the next 2 years, so
always remember, if you want them, there will be more;
- The things you have, and don't have, aren't really all that
important. Guys have been meeting, dating and making out with
girls with far less than what you have... seriously, it's no big
deal that you don't have a drivers license, unless YOU make it a
big deal. When you can work with what you DO have, you'll be a
far better person. Complaining about it won't change things,
right? Get on with your life;
- You aren't that original. Really, there is nothing that makes
you special unless you make those things special. Now, what I
mean about this is that every guy, every person, is unique. Now,
a guy your age will substitute 'unique' with 'different' and
make it a bad thing. It's not a BAD thing! You just don't know
it yet. Your friends don't know it either, so who's to tell you?
Your parents? Sure, but it's what you'd expect of them right? So
slow down, change your perspective and let's get back to
'different' meaning 'unique' in a good way, the way it's
supposed to be, OK?
- You said:
"I'm a fraud, I've never even been kissed before. I feel like my
peers are light years ahead of me in relationship experience and
maturity. "
Hahaha.... sorry for the laugh, well actually NOT, but
really.... I'm amazed that you were comfortable enough to admit
this. If more guys could the testosterone levels in schools
would drop by about 80%.
Personally, I
didn't start dating until I was 19. And I was one of the cool
kids... I just preferred doing other things at the time. And
because of this, I had girls draped over me all of the time. I
didn't have to go after the girls, they came after me. And I
said exactly that same sentence that you did:
"I'm a fraud, I've never even been kissed before. I feel like my
peers are light years ahead of me in relationship experience and
maturity."
The only
difference is that I found out that it wasn't a fact, it was a
lie I was telling myself. I learned that the girls were after me
because they thought great things about me, even though I was a
scared kid inside. Heck, with all the girls paying all that
attention to me, I never was comfortable enough to kiss a girl
until I was 19!
You get into
trouble believing everything you hear, for one, and also you get
into trouble thinking that your 'peers' know more than you do.
Seriously, there may be a guy that has a reputation for getting
the girls, but the rep isn't worth anything. It may work while
school lasts, because girls like competition, they like to get
what another girl has... so if you get one girl, you can easily
get more, because they're a horny, competitive bunch that's
always trying to outdo each other, you just don't know that
because at your age no one has told you. If you asked your dad
(or another trusted older guy), he'd tell you, but you're too
lacking in confidence to bare your soul that way. And that's OK,
it's normal. Once you're past high school, you'll talk with him.
Or another older guy. You'll get the information you really need
to get those things you need. Or think you need.
Now, before I get too far along, let's recap:
- You're feeling very attracted to a girl, a very strong,
intense attraction, for the first time. She's shutting you out
and you can't figure out why.
- You think this has to do with what you feel you are lacking,
like a drivers license, or a fantastic personality, because this
is the yardstick that you are using to compare yourself.
- Everyone you know is 'doing it' or at least dating and stuff,
except you.... and this is your fault, not theirs, because
you're 'different' from everyone else.
Now, let's deal with this head on.
She's not that special, you're just making her that way. Being
the ultimate in wussiness, you've set her up as the queen of
your life, given her all of your power, life, death, future and
everything else. Things are brighter when you see her, grey,
browned out and cranky when she's not in your vision or
thoughts.
You said:
"Excuse me, I'm not really sure how to say this, but I've
noticed you around and I just wanted to tell you that you're an
incredibly beautiful girl."
UGH!
You instantly confessed that she has control over you, that
you'll do whatever you can do to be near here, that your life
has no value unless she will go out with you.
She instantly knows that:
- her value has gone up by her own estimation;
- she can tell her friends what you said and her value in their
eyes goes up too;
- she now has a competitive thought that, if you like her, other
guys will too, even more of they know about what you said, so
she can use all of this to get more guys on the hook (of course,
if she's a victim of incredibly low self esteem and is using sex
to get guys, none of what I tell you is valid, and you're just
reacting to teen horniness).
- and finally, she doesn't need to date you because she's
already conquered you!
Now then you also said:
"I'm a senior, and my parents will NOT allow me to get a
driver's license until I'm 18. I'm already humiliated enough by
this and I don't know what to do. I'm really distraught right
now about every aspect of my life and really am lost and don't
know what to do."
So, let's work at getting past these feelings of nothing working
out for you. I've already said that life sucks, it's unfair,
blah blah blah. Of course that was a lie. A very bad one. You'll
hear that from all kinds of people in a stupid way to make you
feel better.
They are liars
too.
Life isn't
unfair, just how you look at it is warped to seem like it's
unfair. Inside yourself is the power and strength to handle
these life crisis's, if indeed they are something that you can
control.
Work with what
you have, not complain about what you don't have.
There will be
life after school.... your exposure to all these so called
'peers' will greatly lessen and you'll be with only those
friends that give and get value in your friendship.
You MUST do these things that I tell you to do in the next 2
weeks:
The GIRL:
The next time you see her, say only this:
"You had your chance."
And walk away.
That simple sentence will eradicate all the wussiness actions
you've had so far with her. It will increase her interest, if
she has any at all, for you. "You had your chance" will test her
competitiveness with the other girls she knows. You will be
talked about. Your value will rise greatly.
And when she
comes after you.... keep her on a short leash. She has to call
you at the times you specify. You create the rules.
This may not
happen instantly, her coming after you... but at least you've
regained your own self-worth and put her in her place at the
same time.
The EXPERIENCE:
Talk these feelings over with an older guy. Low self-esteem
isn't unusual but it is devastating when not dealt with. During
the next two weeks you've got to talk to an older married guy
that you know (Dad, uncle, family friend) starting with this:
"How did you know that your (current wife) was the one for you?"
"How did you meet"
"When did you know she was the one?"
"Who was your first love and how did you get over her?"
You need to get some perspective. You're not alone in this and
you need to talk it out with someone that can help. Someone that
is near you.
Your LIFE:
Nothing is over until you say it is. I don't mean become a
stalker, but know when to move on to the next girl. If all you
do is get self-worth from the girls you chase after, you've got
a long hard life ahead of you. You are going to get yourself a
book to read. Ayn Rand's "Fountainhead". You're going to read
it. You're going to get and start reading this book as soon as
possible. I don't care if you have to cross a desert or walk
through a blizzard.
You're going to
get the original "Superman" movie. Rent it, buy it, whatever.
When you watch it, you're going to watch how Superman/Clark Kent
deals with women and in particular Lois Lane. And you're going
to compare your own interactions with women to his.
You're going to
start a savings account. Open it yourself and put a couple of
dollars into it. When you can put a couple of dollars into it.
Maybe instead of buying beer, or having that second burger when
you're out. This will be your "Freedom Fund". And I don't have
to tell you freedom from what, do I?
Anonymous don't let me down. Do what I told you.
Best wishes,
Rob.
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